I want to get as close as possible I guess…I feel so much desire to change…to do MORE…Part of me reminds myself to be content with what I have, the other part says do not settle, move forward, evolve, adapt…How do I do that? How do I achieve all that I want to on my own? I read homemaking and homeschooling blogs and a lot of times they leave me feeling empty and guilty instead of inspired. I know whats in my heart. I know what NEEDS to be done with myself, my children, and my home. BUT how am I to accomplish all of that alone? With my husband gone I act as a single mother. Granted I do not have the struggle of working outside the home THANK GOD! But I do have the struggle of a 5 year old with emotional issues, a near 2 year old, and then a new baby on the way. Not to mention housework and playing mommy and daddy everyday. How does one conquer it all? And on top of this I also attend online school. Which I must say I mostly dread and honestly Im not doing well at all and questioning why Im doing it in the first place. My heart so desires to spend every day wrapped up in my children and homemaking duties. Which usually it is…well when I physically can. Right now the pregnancy is taking its toll on me and leaving my spirit beaten and bruised. Not to mention the days are nearing closer and closer to which Im supposed to send my oldest to public school. Something I swore Id never do. It doesnt feel right in any aspect. So now I have this internal conflict. Am I sending him because its what is best for everyone involved, even him? Or am I just not motivated enough and finding myself lazy and selfish and pushing my responsibility as a parent off on people I dont even know? Oh how my heart is weaping lately. All I want is the best for my children. Is that too much to ask? But how oh how do I juggle it all? How do I muster up the strength and ability to play all the roles to my children? I rarely desire time alone, I do not send my kids away, but yet…here I am feeling guilty. I do not feel like Im doing enough…yet I do not know how to muster up the “STUFF” to do want I KNOW I NEED to do for them.